Get Me Out of Witch School Read online

  To my big kids, Katherine and Christopher.

  You are the Best and Brightest.

  x

  E. L.

  TWINKLE TOADSPIT is a Shakespearean actress AND a mega-witch BUT she must get out of witch school or her Bottom is DOOMED!

  Summary:

  This is the current situation I am currently experiencing in my current location.

  I am walking through the corridors of Toadspit Towers, Witch School of Conformity and Strictness, with my friends. Shalini is being quiet and Jess is not. We are all first-year witches and we share a dormitory with Dominique and Arwen, who are not my friends. They are nowhere to be seen. I am not suspecting invisibility. Just absence. Which is a good thing because Dominique, who is usually the Best and Brightest witch of Toadspit Towers, has not reacted well to my new-found witchiness.

  We’re on our way to the dining hall for tea and I am not anticipating food of deliciousness for I have earned NO TICKS today and NO TICKS means NO FOOD. Just GLOOP. This is not a treat for the tastebuds.

  Jess is bouncing, no, bounding along in front of me. Her tie’s loose, her short brown hair, bobbed with a fringe, hasn’t been brushed at the back and her shirt is hanging out. She’s enjoying the absence of the “Tidy and Trim” Toadspit rule now that there are no rules at all. Even her hat, splodges of every shade of green, looks messier. The feather and bow are flipping and flopping with each enthusiastic bound. She’s like a puppy!

  Shalini is walking. She is tidy and trim. Her long black hair is in a neat plait and everything is tied and tucked in properly. Her green hat is different shades of green too, because they are both first-generation witches, but her greens blend together like a field of Granny’s nettles at sunset.

  There’s a big grin on Jess’s round face and I am beginning to wonder if someone has cast a chatterbox spell on her, if there is such a thing. Which I would not know because, as has been stated today by Ms Thorn, Deputy Headmistress of Toadspit Towers, I am currently demonstrating IGNORANCE and she has banned me from performing any sort of unsupervised magic until I have been TRAINED and EDUCATED. Thus avoiding magical mayhem, catastrophic consequences and the destruction of the school. Those are her words, not mine.

  Jess twizzles round to face me.

  “Do you mind that you killed your great-great-great-great-grandmother?” she asks.

  “Jess!” That’s Shalini.

  “I did not kill Ursula Toadspit! She was already dead.” That’s me.

  “Deceased her then,” says Jess, as we reach a set of creaky stairs. “After all, you did break the curse her daughter, Marietta Toadspit, had placed upon her. Ms Ursula did stop haunting her doll and ruling the school. You did reveal your witch’s hat of awesomeness and you did inherit Toadspit Towers and everything in it. Is this correct?”

  Obviously, it’s completely correct, but it sounds bad for Greats-Grandma Ursula, even though it was a good thing that she was released from the Toadspit Curse.

  “So now you actually own this whole wall,” says Jess, sweeping her arm across the stone blocks. “And this wonky picture.” She straightens the picture of an old witch peering into a cauldron. “And these stairs!” The feather in her hat flicks up and down as she jumps from step to step all the way to the bottom. “And this bannister and this door and this door knob and these hinges and this gargoyle.” The gargoyle knocker on the door grunts at her and sticks its tongue out.

  Jess has been talking and asking questions all the way from our Pottering With Potions lesson, which was a disaster, and I have been trying to ignore her because I am ac-chew-ally attempting to ponder on the PROBLEM OF ENORMITY that is now my life. In the last two days I have made DISCOVERIES. I have thought of QUESTIONS. I have NO ANSWERS.

  Discovery 1: Even though I am officially IGNORANT I am ac-chew-ally a mega witch of mega power. A seventh of seven witch with a Rainbow Hat of Awesomeness. The only seventh of seven witch in the school. I am unique.

  Discovery 2: I am ac-chew-ally part witchwood. My left thumb is now not made of me.

  Discovery 3: I am ac-chew-ally the descendent of Ms Ursula Toadspit, founder of Toadspit Towers. Which means Jess is right. I do, technically, own the school but not until I come of age. That age is eighteen. Not eleven.

  Jess interrupts my thoughts as she jump-stamps. “You own this floorboard and this floorboard and this floorboard and this floorboard and—”

  Shalini’s had enough too. “Stop stamping! I think she knows!”

  I continue to ignore her and continue to ponder as we continue to walk through the school.

  Question 1: Am I an actresswitch or a witchactress? Or a witress? A witchess, or an actritch?

  Question 2: Would it be fair to use my witchy skills to be a better actress and get an Oscar before I am twelve years old? Would that be considered cheating?

  Question 3: What exactly are my witchy powers? I have failed every task Ms Thorn has set me so far even though I got every single witch assessment right on my first day. But that was because the witchwood was helping. And now it is not allowed to help because that is definitely cheating.

  Answers: As previously mentioned – I have none.

  Plans: I have none.

  I’m now pondering about last night. Last night was the best night of my entire acting career. My Bottom was outstanding. In fact, Mr Marlow, my acting teacher, said it was the best Bottom performance in any Midsummer Night’s Dream he had ever seen and he’s seen a lot of Bottom performances at St Bluebottle’s School of Creativity and Fun, which is my old school. But what I am currently thinking is What if I never get to act again? What if my acting career is over? What if I am now just a witch?

  I would be living in an ac-chew-al TRAGEDY OF DESPAIR!

  “And you’ve inherited all of the Toadspit magical powers!” says Jess. “All of Ms Toadspit’s memories were zapped into your head and now it’s like—”

  “An encyclopedia of magical knowledge,” says Shalini. “All in one head.”

  Now her eyes are sparkling and her hat-light is shining down from the brim, lighting up her face.

  I attempt to sidestep them both as I say, “I am not an encyclopedia. I told you. Grandma Ursula’s memories fizzed into my mind just before she deceased, but they disappeared. Like when a bubble bursts and leaves a watermark then it dries up and it’s like it never, ever existed. Which is why I am annoying Ms Thorn with my zero magical knowledge.”

  I attempt another sidestep, between Jess and the wall.

  Jess gasps in that way a person gasps when they think they’ve had an idea of brilliance.

  “But, Twink! What if the memories are just buried? In the furthest reaches of your mind. I could hypnotise you. I once hypnotised my mam and she remembered where she’d left Grandma. If I hypnotised you I could release Ms Toadspit’s memories. We could find out why Marietta cursed her mother to be headmistress until another Toadspit arrived and broke all the rules. We could uncover the truth!”

  I give Jess my firm and forceful look. “Jess. You are not going to hypnotise me. There are no memories to find. They … popped!”

  “Hm.” She leans towards me and I lean back against the wall, pressing my hands on the rough stone. “Are you sure?” she says.

  “Shush,” I say.

  Jess does not comply. She keeps talking. “There was the case of Ms Willowslime and the lost crystal plum. She—”

  I shush her again.

  “Stop shushing me,” says Jess.

  I shush her again.

  “Can you hear that?” I say.

  “Hear what?” says Shalini. She does a look from The Book of Listening Curiously.

  Jess also says, “Hear what?”

  “That!” I say.
>
  I am hearing a noise. A whispering noise. I listen harder. It isn’t coming from anyone in the corridor. The corridor is empty. It’s coming from the wall behind me. The wall I am still touching.

  Me. Meee. Meeee.

  I remove my fingers from the stone. The noise stops. I touch it again. The noise starts.

  “Touch the wall, Jess. Then you’ll hear it.”

  Jess touches the wall. “Nothing.”

  Shalini tries. “Me neither.”

  I touch the stone lower down.

  Meeeee.

  I take my hand away. The noise stops. Then there’s a click and a crunch and the blocks of stone move.

  Summary:

  Something odd is happening.

  Plan A: Ignore it.

  I step away, bumping into Jess. The blocks of stone slide backwards and sideways with a grating noise that sets my teeth on edge.

  “Uh-oh,” says Shalini, as a doorway appears. “Look at the cobwebs. They’re sticky cobwebs. Dangly cobwebs. Big, sticky, dangly cobwebs.”

  “It’s a secret stairway!” says Jess. “I’ve always wanted a secret stairway! And you opened it.” She’s pointing at me.

  “I did not!”

  “You did, Twink,” says Shalini.

  “You did,” says Jess. “Look.” There’s a strange letter carved into the stone I touched. It glows red and disappears.

  Shalini whispers, “It’s a rune.” She whispers it dramatically like an announcement that should be followed by a deep dum, dum, dum of scariness.

  Jess is now completely overexcited. “It has to lead to one of the abandoned towers,” she squeals, grinning a wide grin of delight and eagerness. “There’s bound to be a secret tower room at the top of a secret stairway! Let’s find out!” She jumps into the doorway and turns back, waiting for us to join her.

  Both Shalini and I answer, “No!”

  Shalini pulls her back out. “There could be Toadspit Terrors in there! Look at the cobwebs!”

  I shake my head and agree. “Jess. I absolutely refuse to investigate a secret staircase full of the possibility of Toadspit Terrors.”

  She answers with, “Shush.”

  I think she’s copying my shush from before but then I hear what she hears. Voices. Coming along the landing above.

  “Dominique and Arwen,” says Shalini. Her shoulders sag.

  Jess pulls my arm. “We can’t let Dominique and Arwen know we’ve found a secret staircase,” she whispers. “This is our secret staircase. Quick. Hide!” She pushes me through the doorway before I can say, What art thou doing, and drags Shalini in after us.

  “This is not hiding,” I whisper. A cobweb lands on my nose. I shudder and swipe it off in case there’s a small beastie attached. “I think Dominique and Arwen will definitely notice the big hole in the wall that was not there yesterday.”

  “Then we must close the big hole in the wall,” Jess whispers back. “There must be a rune on this side.” She spots it. It’s faint, like an old scribble that someone’s tried to rub out. She presses it. Nothing happens. She presses again. Nothing happens.

  “I think it has to be you, Twink,” she says.

  Shalini squeaks, “But if Twink closes the door we could be trapped!”

  “And if Twink doesn’t close the door Dominique and Arwen will tell Ms Thorn about the staircase and it won’t be our secret staircase, it will be Ms Thorn’s secret staircase and we’ll never get to investigate it!”

  She grabs my hand and pushes it against the rune before I can stop her. I hear Mee. Meeee. Meeeeoowww.

  “It’s a cat!”

  “What is?” says Jess.

  “The mysterious noise. I can hear a cat!”

  The rune glows red and the blocks slide back into place. The last one cuts us off completely from the rest of Toadspit Towers. It’s pitch black. We brighten our hat-lights and they shine down from the brims like spotlights on a stage.

  “Uh-oh,” says Shalini. “I would just like to state that in my opinion this is a bad idea. No good ever comes from hiding in secret stairways and closing stone doorways.”

  Jess lifts her chin and shines her hat on the ceiling. The cobwebs are thick but most look dusty and old, clumpy and grey. Not like the shiny white cobwebs we swept from the corridors two days ago. Not like the giant sticky cobweb of death that I encountered as I failed to escape from my destiny.

  “It’s scary,” says Shalini nervously. She unhooks her spoon charm from her bracelet. She has three charms. So does Jess. A witchwood spoon, a cauldron and a book. My bracelet belonged to Greats-Grandma Ursula and I have the same charms as my friends plus one extra charm. The witchwood tree. The tree lives in the centre of the Toadspit Garden of Doom and it’s where all the magic comes from in Toadspit Towers.

  “It’s just dirty,” says Jess.

  “I don’t like dirty,” says Shalini. She holds her spoon up. “Witchwood, witchwood, do the deed, change to be what I now need.” Her spoon changes into a broom. She twizzles it on her finger and it swooshes the cobwebs around the broom like a stick of candy floss.

  I touch the wall. It feels cold.

  Mee. Mee. Meeeowww!

  “I can still hear the cat,” I say. “I think it’s calling to me. I don’t think it’s Oddbod. A witchwood cat’s meows are more flutey. This sounds like a real cat.”

  Meeow. Meeeoooww. Meeeeeeooowww!

  “Maybe it’s a kitten. A cute, cuddly kitten.” I shine my hat-light up the steps. “I must go up the staircase. I must save the cute, cuddly kitten.”

  I set off.

  “Come back!” shouts Shalini. “No good ever comes of following mysterious noises either, Twink. There could be disastrous consequences!”

  Summary:

  I am being pulled up the tower by love.

  “But pussycat is up there,” I say, not stopping. “And pussycat needs me.”

  I keep climbing. A web breaks across my face. I leave it there. There’s a thick rope looped on the curved wall, to hang on to, but I don’t need it. I feel light. As if I could float up to the top of the staircase.

  “But what about the webs and the beasties?” shouts Shalini from below. “We can’t just ignore the possibility of beasties!”

  I drag my fingers lightly on the wall as I climb.

  Meeeeeeoooooowwwww.

  The cat-voice sounds sad. Miserable. Desperate.

  Suddenly something knocks into my hat and I am overtaken by Shalini’s broomstick twizzling overhead, sweeping away the cobwebs. Another one follows it as I hear my friends running up the steps behind me. Jess shouts, “Get those beasties, broomsticks!”

  The stairs go round and round and round and I go dizzy as we climb up and up and up but I do not stop.

  “Are we nearly there yet?” says Jess. She’s panting.

  I drag my fingers. The meowing grows louder and longer with every step until I turn a corner and there are no more. There’s a small landing and a door.

  It’s a small door. Ms Thorn would have to bend in half to get through it but it would be the perfect height for Ms Sage, the headmistress. It isn’t witchwood, it’s dark red and dull. The spider’s web candyfloss broomsticks are leaning against it.

  Jess bumps into me. My fingers leave the wall and I can’t hear the meow. I feel heavier. Normal heavy. And a little bit odd.

  “Oh, a door,” she says, panting. “Yay.” Her overexcitement has been dampened by lack of oxygen.

  Shalini puffs her way up the last few steps and sees the door. “Uh-oh. Maybe we shouldn’t open it? Maybe we should go back down and tell someone? That’s definitely the safest and most sensible thing to do,” she says. She looks from me to Jess and back to me. “But we’re not going to do that, are we? We’re going to open the door, aren’t we?”

  “Of course we are,” says Jess. “We have to save the cat.”

  There’s a handle on the door, the sort you get on gates with a latch. I reach for it.

  “Wait!” says Shalini. “Spoons!
” She pushes past me and grabs her broom. She twizzles the webs off the broom and into a corner, where they sit like a giant cocoon. Jess does the same. They change the brooms back to spoons with a “Witchwood, witchwood, be my spoon” chant.

  Jess holds hers in front of her like a weapon. “Ready,” she says. Shalini copies and nods to me.

  I press the latch down. It’s stiff, then it gives way and lifts, but the door doesn’t open. I push it with my shoulder and Jess joins in. One, two, three pushes and the door gives way and the two of us stumble and fall into the room. Jess is on top of me, squashing me, and we’re blinded by the sunlight pouring in from the tall windows.

  “Wow!” says Jess, shading her eyes. “I was right! We’re at the top of the school.” She leaps off me and dashes to the nearest window. “We are! We’re in the tallest tower! I can see everything!”

  Now that she’s got her breath back her excitement level has gone way past overexcited and is fast approaching explode. I join her. We look out over the other towers and rooftops. Then we hear Shalini gasping and whizz back round. Spoons at the ready.

  Shalini is frozen in the doorway. She’s doing a look from The Book of Absolute Joy. “Look at the BOOKS!” she shouts. “Thousands of BOOKS!”

  There are stone shelves in between each window and they are packed with books and rolled-up scrolls.

  Shalini takes one step in, then another, then she runs at the shelves as if she needs to hug all the books in one gigantic hug. She stops with her nose squished against the spine of a large red leather book.

  The books look old with dark covers and golden lettering. There’s a cabinet under each window. The first is full of empty potion bottles with faded labels written in old-fashioned handwriting. The glass doors are grimy and greasy. There’s a table and chair in the middle of the room, piled high with more books.