Get Me Out of Witch School Read online

  Jess gasps and tugs on my sleeve. “Look, Twink! It’s you!” She’s pointing to a painting propped up on a shelf on the other side of the table. It has a golden frame of leaves and roses. It is a picture of me. My hair, my smile, my nose, but I’m wearing old-fashioned clothes. There are other paintings stacked behind this one.

  “Why would there be a painting of you in a secret room?” says Shalini, leaving her books. She looks closer. “Oh. It isn’t you, Twink. Look at the hat.”

  She’s right. The hat is orange. A happy orange, velvety and warm with a wide brim. There’s a tarnished brass label at the bottom of the frame. Marietta Toadspit On Her Eleventh Birthday.

  I tilt the picture forward. The ones behind are all of Marietta too. She’s a bit older in each. In the last she has a kitten on her shoulder. A ball of white fluff with blue eyes and a black button nose. Not an ac-chew-al button. The title says Marietta and Jacobus.

  Her hat is darker now, like autumn leaves in Granny’s garden. She looks annoyed. Her bracelet is full of charms. There’s the usual cauldron, book and spoon, plus a rose, a bottle, a key, a broomstick, a clock, a bell, a shell and a tiny pair of knitting needles. There may be more round the other side.

  “That kitten is so cute!” says Jess. She hooks her spoon back on to her bracelet. “Jacobus. Sounds like Jacopuss. I love kittens. I asked for one for my fifth birthday but Mam misheard and knit me a pair of mittens. They were really cosy though. Ooh, look at the funny little men.”

  There’s a shelf with an army of little red clay statues. They’re all identical. They have round holes for mouths. One has a tiny scroll rolled up and slotted in.

  “Golems,” says Shalini. “Mindless beings doomed to obey the instruction on the scroll.” We look amazed at her knowledge. “Arwen did a Toadspit Times issue on them,” she says.

  “And look,” Jess moves on. “Tiny Toadspit Terrors! Tiny marble spider statues. That one looks just like Scary!” I move away.

  The table is covered with wobbly piles of books of all shapes and sizes and there’s a large snow globe sitting on the shortest pile. There’s a dead plant inside. It’s grey with a thick stem and a top that looks like an umbrella of dried flowers. There’s a red rune carved into the thick witchwood base, the same rune as the one in the stones, and a name. The Gellica Charm. I tap the glass and the snow swirls around the plant. This is not a fun, winter-wonderland snow globe. It’s dreary.

  Jess joins me. She moves the globe to look at the books underneath. “Ooooh, Twink!” she says as if she’s found something special. “This book is awesome! It’s a journal. Guess whose.” She doesn’t wait for me to guess. She picks it up and shows me.

  Summary:

  We have discovered a secret room and there have been no disastrous consequences.

  The cover of the book is dark-brown leather with The Journal of Marietta Toadspit written across the middle in gold letters. The edges of the pages are gold too.

  “This is brilliant!” she says. “This is probably the best book in the whole library. I am holding in my hands ALL of Marietta’s secrets. If you knew how to open this you could find out exactly what happened to make her go bad! You’d know why Marietta cursed her mother’s ghost to stay in her Toadspit doll. You’d know why she cursed her mother to remain headmistress until another Toadspit turned up. You’d know why she left Toadspit Towers never to return. All you need is the key and you’ll know EVERYTHING you need to know!”

  She spots another interesting title at the bottom of another pile and hands me the journal as she says, “Oooh, now look what I’ve found! Useful.”

  It feels weird holding something that ac-chew-ally belonged to one of my ancestors. I tried to keep a diary once, which is like a journal, because actresses do that and then they publish them just before they die and tell everyone their secrets and annoy the other people in the book. But I was far too busy to fill it in. I didn’t get past January.

  I pull at the cover but it won’t budge and the pages feel like they’re stuck together with magical superglue. I put the book down and search the desk for a key but don’t find it. I feel like I’ve been given a sticky, dribbly cherry pie full of tasty sweetness but then someone has poured gloop over it. I am suffering from disappointment.

  Jess props another book up against her chest. It’s huge and heavy.

  “Ruleth the Runes by Doris Periwinkle,” she says. “This will help next term when we do rune writing. I won’t need to spend my ticks on a rune book,” she says. “I have a free rune book!” She undoes a button on her skirt’s waistband and a pocket falls open. She holds the corner of the book against it and the book is sucked inside.

  I am stunned. I name that pocket The Pocket of Usefulness. “That is the most useful pocket ever!” I say. “How many ticks do I need for a pocket such as that?”

  “None,” says Jess. “You already have one. Didn’t you know?”

  “How could I possibly know? Didn’t you hear Ms Thorn? I am IGNORANT! I’m new to everything.” I check my skirt. I do have a button! I open it and look in. It’s dark.

  “It’s like the cauldron. It grows to fit what’s inside,” says Jess. She puts another book in hers, Potions for the Powerful, to show me what to do. Shalini sees. She gasps a horrified gasp.

  “Jess! You can’t possibly take a book out of here,” she says. “They need to be catalogued, recorded, ordered, arranged … stamped! It’ll be chaos without a proper library system and … it’s stealing.”

  “I am not stealing. I’m borrowing,” says Jess. “And, anyway, it belongs to Twink. Everything in this room belongs to Twink.”

  “Jess can have the book, Shalini,” I say. “Because tech-nic-ally she’s right. It is all mine.”

  “But this room is too important to keep to ourselves,” says Shalini. “Ms Sage might not have copies of these books. These books could be unique.” Her voice squeaks as she says “unique”. “We have to tell her.”

  “Not yet,” I say. Maybe never, I think.

  “Shalini,” says Jess. “Twink hasn’t found the cat yet and we can’t possibly tell anyone about this Room of Wonderful Things until she’s found the cat.”

  That’s a good name for it, I think. I will adopt it.

  “And,” continues Jess, “I would just like to remind you that we are only here in this room now because we followed the mysterious cat-voice and climbed the secret staircase to the secret room and this has not led to disastrous consequences.”

  “Not yet,” says Shalini, and she turns away to straighten the books on the nearest shelf.

  I suddenly realise I haven’t thought about the cat since I fell into the room, which is odd because my head had been so full of the cat-voice that nothing else had mattered. I touch the nearest stone shelf. I hear a tiny, sharp meeoow as if the cat is cross and I am immediately overwhelmed with guilt.

  “Poor pussycat,” I say.

  “Did you hear it?” says Jess.

  “I did.” I feel light again. Floaty.

  “So, where is it?” she says, looking around. “Puss, puss, puss. Meow. Meow. Meow.”

  I ignore her and slide my fingers along the shelf.

  Meow.

  “Must find pussycat.” I slide them the other way.

  Meeoow.

  “Must go this way.”

  Meeeoooow. Meeeeooooow. Meeeeeoooooow!

  “Pussycat needs me. Pussycat must have me. Pussycat loves me. Pussycat! I will find you! I will save you! I feel you!”

  Shalini is now close behind me. Jess is in front.

  “Why are you speaking like that?” whispers Shalini. “Jess, why is she speaking like that?”

  I follow the sound across the shelves, under the windows and the meowing gets louder and louder.

  “Pussycat, pussycat, where are you now?” I’m purring. “Purrrrrrrrrrrr.”

  Meeeeeeeeeoooooooooow!

  “Jess!” says Shalini. “Why is she purring?”

  “I don’t know,” says Jess. “It’s all a bit weird. Twink, stop purring. You’re freaking me out.”

  “Purrrrrrrrrrrrr. Pussycat is here. Purrrrrrr.”

  “Where?” says Jess.

  I’m between a pair of windows. In front of a set of stone shelves crammed with books and ornaments. The shelf at nose height looks like the mantelpiece in Granny’s kitchen, where she keeps her collection of “magical oddities”.

  There’s a teapot with two handles and two spouts, a silver spoon, a Jack-in-the-Box with an evil-looking Jack wobbling backwards and forwards, a large iron key, a pair of red boots worn down at the heel, and a blue and white bowl with words painted around the edge. Wash me, wish me, clean and true, so I may be of help to you.

  “Nobody touch anything,” says Shalini.

  “I wasn’t going to,” says Jess.

  The sunshine is shining through an amber bottle making the back of the shelf golden and warm. Leaning against the wall there’s a horn with a silver rim and a crystal kitten that would fit perfectly on my palm.

  Meeeeeeeeooooooooowww!

  “It’s a crystal pussycat,” I say, with a big sigh. “Purrrrrrrr. I’ve found him.”

  Jess and Shalini are both leaning over my shoulders. Jess is pressing down with her chin.

  “Uh-oh,” she says loudly in my ear. “That isn’t just a crystal pussycat. There’s a silver creature charm inside. It’s Jacopuss!”

  Summary:

  We have found Marietta’s cat! I love Marietta’s cat.

  It is Jacobus. There’s a silver kitten-shaped creature charm buried in the middle of the crystal kitten.

  “Why would someone trap a creature charm in crystal?” says Shalini. “Whatever you do, don’t touch it until we know the answer.” She carefully moves the other artefacts left
and right with her spoon until we can see the kitten properly.

  Meeeeeoooowwww

  “Poor pussycat. Purrrrrrrrrrr.” I can’t stop myself. I pick it up.

  “Put it down, Twink!” squeaks Shalini. “We don’t know if it’s safe and I think it probably isn’t.”

  There’s a flash of blue in the charm’s silver eyes. He stares at me through the crystal.

  “Uh-oh,” says Jess. “Look at the eyes!”

  I feel floaty but my hat feels heavy. Like it’s trying to push a thought into my head. I think the thought is – Danger. I ignore it.

  Meeeeeoooooow! Mistress Marietta, I be sorry! Free me and I’ll be good. I promise thee.

  “Pussycat is speaking to me!” I sigh because he thinks I am Marietta. How wonderful. “Don’t be sorry, pussycat. I will free you.”

  You know it was not my fault. You know I always get the blame because the witchwood cats hate me! You must make your mother forgive and forget.

  I gasp in horror. “The cats hate my pussycat! Bad witchwood cats. Naughty witchwood cats!”

  “Oh, that can’t be good,” says Jess. She pushes me towards the table.

  “Don’t drop him, Twink,” says Shalini. “The crystal could shatter.”

  “Give the kitten to me,” says Jess, as if she’s in charge of me. “It’s making you weird.”

  I don’t want to do that so I hiss at her.

  Suddenly she grabs Jacobus by his crystal head! I pull. She pulls.

  “Let go!” she shouts. “There’s something wrong with you!”

  “You let go!” I shout. “He’s mine!”

  She drags Jacobus out of my hands but he slips through her fingers and flies up above my head. Too high to catch.

  Jess falls backwards into the table. The books topple, the table topples and the snow globe is flipped up next to Jacobus. I jump up to grab him but the snow globe is in the way. I bash it aside. My fingers catch on the rune sticking out from the wooden base, and it moves. There’s a loud click as the globe falls to the floor and Jacobus the crystal kitten drops into my hands, yowling with laughter.

  He doesn’t sound like a cute, cuddly kitten now. He sounds like a tomcat! My hat twitches. I hear the thought again – DANGER! This time, I listen. My head clears. I cease to be floaty. I am LIVING IN THE LAND OF APPALLED AND SHOCKED!

  “He was using persuasion on me!” I announce. I hold the crystal kitten as far away from me as I can.

  “We guessed,” says Jess.

  “Don’t drop him!” says Shalini.

  Thou art in trouble now, Mistress, says Jacobus. This is worse than when I cast the pimple pox, and the knee-twizzler, and the blight, but this time it definitely isn’t my fault! It’s all yours! Thou hast opened the Snow Globe Of Gellica!

  Oh dungpats! That doesn’t sound good.

  The snow globe is on the floor. The rune on the base has split in half and changed from red to black. The glass is glistening, sparkling and dissolving then suddenly we are surrounded by freezing, stinging, flakes of snow and swirling, whirling, needles of ice! The wind whips the pages of the books, stirring up the dust and cobwebs. We are in the middle of an ac-chew-al snow tornado!

  Jacobus yowls with glee then bursts into song.

  Here we go round the gellica tree, the gellica tree, the gellica tree! Here we go round the gellica tree on a cold and frosty morning! We spin the gellica out of the school, out of the school, out of the school. We spin the gellica out of the school on a cold and frosty morning!

  The dead plant grows roots, stem and flowers. Changing from deathly grey to the palest purple. It spins faster and faster.

  Jacobus keeps singing. My clothes are dragged around me and suddenly I’m spinning on the spot. We’re all spinning on the spot! The books fly up and they’re spinning too. Jess is dodging them. Shalini looks like she’s juggling them.

  I’m gripping the crystal kitten of catastrophe by the neck and I want to drop him but I daren’t drop him. What if Shalini’s right? What if I drop him and the crystal shatters and I release Jacobus the monster of persuasiveness into Toadspit Towers? A monster who curses people with the pimple-pox and the knee-twizzler? They do not sound pleasant. And what was the blight he released? Granny’s nettles had blight once and she had to burn them all. A blight is not a good thing.

  Jacobus meows. His blue eyes flash, lighting up his crystal prison. Oh, Marietta! What will your mother do when she finds out you’ve broken the Gellica Charm and DOOMED THE SCHOOL!

  Dungpats! I fear dooming the school will definitely come under magical mayhem and if Ms Thorn ever finds out she’ll make me eat gloop forever. If we ever escape the Room of Disaster.

  Summary:

  I have more questions:

  Does Jacobus really think I’m Marietta?

  Does he think Greats-Grandma Ursula is still alive?

  What’s a Gellica Charm and have I ac-chew-ally doomed the school?AND How will we get out of this?

  “Twink! Jess! Hold hands,” shouts Shalini. “I have an idea.” She reaches out to grab Jess but misses and they twirl away from me.

  I can’t hold hands. I’m holding Jacobus. Then I have an idea of my own too but I have absolutely no idea if my idea is a good idea. There is always the possibility that my idea may lead to even more disastrous consequences.

  My idea is this: I must drop Jacobus into the only safe place I can think of. The only place he won’t be shattered by flying books and artefacts. My Pocket of Usefulness.

  This is not easy to accomplish because I am spinning like a ballerina and my skirt is tangled around my bottom and the front is at the back, then the back is at the back, then the back is at the front and my tie is twisting round my neck and spiralling upwards like a noose.

  I do it and, oh joy, I can’t hear his annoying tomcat yowling any more.

  Shalini and Jess grab hands. They reach out to me. “Hold hands, Twink,” shouts Shalini again. I reach out and they grab me, jerking me to a stop. Then we start spinning together around the plant that is now as tall as a hollyhock. We rise from the floor. It’s like a super-fast game of the hokey-cokey. Left legs in. Left legs out. Both legs in. Both legs out. Both legs up and turning all about.

  “Uh-oh. Look at the walls,” shouts Shalini. “What’s happening to the walls!” The walls are oozing tiny drops of pinky-purple glittery liquid.

  “What is it?” I yell.

  “How would I know?” she yells back. “I’ve only been at witch school for six weeks! I don’t know everything!”

  “Don’t look at me,” yells Jess. “I have no answers.”

  The drops are being sucked out of the wall by the tornado. They’re whizzing around our heads. I hold my breath in case I breathe one in. They spin past us, to the plant. They sink into the grey stem like pinky-purple spots.

  “Hold my skirt!” cries Shalini. “And hang on tight!” She lets go of our hands and we grab her skirt. She holds her spoon above her head and shouts, “Witchwood, witchwood, hear me plead, change to be what I now need.” Her spoon changes back into a broomstick and she cries, “ZOOM BROOM! Out of the room!”

  The broom zooms up dragging Shalini, Jess and me with it. We fly across the ceiling, down the wall and out of the open door.

  It drops us on the landing. Jess and I pull the door shut and then we fall on Shalini with a joint hug of hugeness and tightness.

  “Shalini, you are an amazing witch,” I gasp.

  “You are the BEST,” says Jess.

  She pushes us both off, folds her arms and glares at us. She is not good at glares. In fact, she is terrible at glares. Her hat is trembling.

  “I told you both it was a bad idea. I told you both we should tell. I told you both nothing good EVER comes from a secret tower room up a secret staircase and that following mysterious cat voices would lead to disastrous consequences!”

  Jess and I look sheepish. This involves looking sideways at each other without moving our heads. Jess puts her hands behind her back. I fiddle with my skirt, twisting it back into place. Wondering if she has finished. She hasn’t.